đ§ Listen to Sarah read this installment of Cured.
Sunlight breaks through the clouds and comes in Dr. Râs office window. On the street below, rain soaks the pavement. The two together seem wrong: sun, rain.
I face him and take in his encouraging smile. His white shirt is perfectly crisp. I try to smile too, then glance back at the sunlight and the wet pavement. Without looking at him, I say, âI donât want to change my medsâever,â hearing the tremor in my voice. Iâm still wreckedâshaky, cold-sweaty, brain-zappingâfrom having tried to go off my medications.
This is my second mistake in moving toward recovery from mental illness. Before that, Iâd linked recovery to ânormalcyâ believing I shouldnât be in therapy. It seemed obvious: ânormalâ people donât need therapy or take psychotropic drugs; recovered people shouldnât either.
If Iâd had the guidance of Dr. R or someone whoâd recovered, theyâd have told me how wrong I was. Some people have been on medication for so long that their bodies are dependent. Withdrawal had already brought me to the brink of ending my life twice; this time, it brought me close enough to vow never to try to go off my meds again.
Iâve come up with a new strategy. Changing my medicationsâgoing off one to try another, upping the dosage of this one, lowering the milligrams of that oneâhas only complicated my mental health struggles. When new drugs and dosages are changed and changed again, itâs impossible to know what helps and what harms, how much is the drugs and how much is the result of mental illness. I now have a baseline where the side effects are minimal. Having the drugs in my system is my normal. And it doesnât mean Iâm sick.
Dr. R nods. âOkay. Any reason you donât want to ever change your meds, ever again?â He says this slowly.
I tell him my baseline theory. Whatever painful emotions, troubling thoughts, and unwanted behaviors come, I wonât answer them with medication changes.
Dr. R nods, Got it. Not a problem. âUltimately, itâs your treatment.â
I look out the window onto Michigan Avenue at the cars streaming through the stoplight. Itâs hard to make that decision and have him agree. Until then, I did as my doctors told me to do. Should I really be the one to determine whatâs best for me?
To read or listen to the complete Cured, choose the discounted annual subscription for $30âabout the price of a hardcover book. Each purchase brings awareness to mental health recovery.
You can also gift âCuredâ to someone in need.