đ§ Listen to Sarah read this installment of Cured.
At our next appointment, Dr. Râs office looks even tidier than usual. Spare. Clear. His pants have their usual luster.
I look out the window at Michigan Avenue at the pedestrians and tell him I want off all my meds.
His brow furrows with concern or confusion. I canât tell which.
Itâs logicalâor so I think. To recover from twenty-five years of serious mental illness, I canât take psychotropic medications. People with mental illnesses take meds, ergo, if I want to heal, I canât.
This is the second mistake I make in my recovery. The first was believing that I shouldnât be in therapy, which Iâm not anymore.
This time, the idea is that being psycho-pharmacologically pure signifies recovery. Never mind that few medications have been studied long-term and most lead to dependency. Regardless of how recovered someone might become, they may have to remain on their meds to maintain a state of homeostasis. Never mind that the last time I tried to go off the SSRI, the withdrawal effects were so severeâinvoluntary muscle twitching, paranoia, nightmares, crying spells, brain shivers that made me feel like a waterfall of needles were cascading down the back of my head, brain shudders that felt like my mind was trembling, and brain zaps that made me feel like I was being electrocutedâI wanted to end my life.
âItâs not worth it,â Dr. R says. âThose medications arenât hurting you. Low-side-effect profiles.â
I insist.
He uncrosses his leg and breathes deeply. âOkay, we can try with the lamotrigine, but why?â
I donât share with him my plan to heal; Iâm still too scared heâll tell me itâs not possible. Here, Iâm missing out on the collaboration of care that might have helped my recovery.
âWeâll go down twenty-five milligrams,â he says. âStart there.â
Out the window on the street below, the pedestrians again seem like toy figures. Their outlines are stark. The buildingsâ too.
*
Psychiatric medications have harmed and helped many people and may help many as they work toward recovery. Demonizing psychotropic drugs and shaming those of us who take them doesnât serve anyone. Like many businesses, Big Pharma is mercenary, sometimes criminal, but we have to separate the CEOs from the researchers and others who truly want to help people. And sometimes, their efforts save lives.
To read or listen to the complete Cured, choose the discounted annual subscription for $30âabout the price of a hardcover book. Each purchase brings awareness to mental health recovery.
You can also gift âCuredâ to someone in need.